A woman's worst nightmare
by thedarkpassenger85
Summary: After Maura survives cancer Maura and Jane finally get married!LAST CHAPTER IS UP!PLEASE REVIEW!
1. A woman's worst nightmare

**Alright people this story is a bit different. I wrote it hoping to insert it in my current : I almost lost you" story but i figured it was too dark**

**Don't hate me, I don't like hurting Maura, I love her . I just feel comfortable writing about those kinds of subject(for those who read my "my heart is bleeding story)**

**This will probably be a 5 chapter story, with relatively long chapters.**

**Chapter one :**

**Every woman's worst nightmare : **

That morning as part as her morning routine, Maura Isles woke up around 6 am, worked out for about an hour, fed Bass and then took a shower.

Taking a hot shower was almost her favorite part of the day. She usually spends about 15 minutes letting the hot water stream on her naked body.

It would help her to get in the mood of going to work and cutting up dead bodies.

At Maura was gently spreading soap on her naked body she felt that something was different, she could feel it under her finger tips.

"Maura, are you finished soon?" Jane screamed banging at the door.

"Just use the other bathroom." Maura answer annoyed that Jane would disturbed her morning shower .

"I like this one better, if you want to take your time I could join you."

Already disturbed in her morning ritual Maura knew there was no other choice for her but to give up .

"You can use it now." Maura groaned as she came out of the bathroom , hair wet and a towel on.

"Hey, come here, I 'm sorry I didn't want to chase you out of there, I wanted to join you, but you locked the door." Jane pouted wrapping herself around her.

"Well if the door was locked it meant I didn't want any company, Detective." Maura rasped escaping Jane's embrace.

"Alright, I'm sorry." Jane apologized moving towards the shower.

She knew Maura well enough to know that when she was angry at her, it was best to give her space for a little while.

The two women went to work in silence. Jane could see that something was bothering her. Usually when they fought Maura couldn't resist talking to her first.

As Maura was about to get of the car she felt Jane's hand on her arm:

"Hey, I love you, you know that right?"

"I know."

"I'm sorry about this morning I know that I shouldn't disturbed your morning shower after you worked out. I know it's the one moment of the day you got to be alone and enjoy yourself for while, I should have respected that. It won't happen again."

That was so typical of Jane, apologizing for something she wasn't responsible for, or blaming herself.

It wasn't that Maura was hard to live with, but she was very stubborn and usually refused to change her position. Jane quickly learned to just accept it and apologize even when she knew she didn't do anything. It was easier then confront and fight with Maura, and besides Maura would usually come to her senses and apologize later.

"No, I'm the one who should be apologizing, I'm a bit tensed, I don't know why, work is quite slow…And things are great with you…"

"Well we should talk about it at home tonight, in the mean time would you have lunch with me?" Jane pouted trying to seduce her.

"Why, not. I will see you at 1pm." Maura said getting off the car.

At that moment Jane knew something was wrong with Maura.

She seemed a bit off . Of course Maura always looked like she was in her own little world, but she rarely seemed so concerned.

Jane was determined to find out what was wrong with her girlfriend.

Around noon she received a text.

"_I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it for lunch, something came up. Love, Maura."_

Jane didn't really pay attention and figured she would joined Maura down at the morgue and they could grab a quick bite anyway.

So around 1 pm she took the elevator, with Maura's favorite tuna salad in one hand, and a box of chocolate in the other.

When she arrived at the morgue, Maura was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey Emily, do you know where Maura is?" Jane asked.

"She just went out, she had some kind of an appointment." The young intern replied.

"Alright, thank you, please don't tell her I came down."

"Don't worry I wont."

Jane didn't see Maura at all that day, when she came down again to take her home that night her assistant told her she was already home.

Jane drove home, trying not to be offended. She knew Maura was everything but rude and that if she was acting like that because something was going on.

So Jane went, home, put her gun and badge away in the kitchen, played with Bass and Joe Friday for a few minutes and finally decided to join Maura upstairs.

When she came into their bedroom Maura was crawled in bed in fetal position.

"Hey, sweetheart I missed you. How was your day?" Jane whispered as she joined Maura in bed wrapping herself around her.

"Just get your hands off me." Maura hollered jumping out of bed.

"Alright, babe, you have to calm down. Tell me what's going on." Jane murmured trying to stay as far as she could, knowing that trying to take her in her arms wasn't the wiser choice.

"I just don't want you to touch me." Maura hollered defensively.

"Alright, I won't , just calm down. Would you feel more comfortable if I slept in the guest room tonight? "Jane offered as a peace offering.

"Of course not, it's just sometimes I feel like all you think about is sex."

"You know that's not true , I love you."Jane mumbled unable to find a better answer.

"Really, It didn't seem like it this morning, and just now, you have this frenetic or even pathological need of touching me, my breasts especially."

"I'm not obsessed with your body or your breasts alright?I admit this morning I was in a kinky mood and you never complained about our morning sex before. "

"Today was different."

"How was it different? Please tell me, look I just want to help you, that's why I tried to cuddle you just now. Not because I wanted to have sex but to show you my love and support."

"I know, but you do appreciate my body right?"

"Of course, you're the most beautiful woman I met in my life. But I love what's inside of you, in your heart and your brain. I love the entire you not just your body. "

"That's what you say now, but what if I didn't have that body or those breasts?"

"Alright now you're scaring me, I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you no matter what happens for better or worse until death do us part." Jane whispered sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Was that a proposal?" Maura teased getting closer to Jane.

"More like a promise. When I ask you to marry me it's going to be romantic and spectacular." Jane said holding her girlfriend's hands.

"I know, I have something to tell you." Maura confessed.

"Alright, I'm listening."

"This morning when I was showering I felt a small mass on my left breast."

"Oh God, that's why you freaked out when I tried to come in?"

"Yes, I went to my Doctor, and she examined me and I had a mammogram and it turns out that I have a lump on my left breast." Maura explain sitting next to Jane.

"Is it benign or…"

"We don't know yet, she needs to do a biopsy and then if it's benign she will need to remove the lump which considering its size shouldn't be too problematic or if its' can…"

"Don't even say it. I'm sure it's nothing alright. We shouldn't use the C word before we have the result of the biopsy. When have you scheduled it?"

"Tomorrow morning at 9 Am."

"Alright, we are going to take this one step at the time and what ever the results are we will face it and we're going to win alright." Jane promised pulling Maura on the bed,

"I know you want to be positive, but what if it's cancer and it's spread and that I need a mastectomy?"

"I'm sure it's begign, but if it's not I will help you, we're gonna get through this, I promise." Jane swore holding her as close to her as she possibly could wishing she could just melt their 2 bodies into one.

"Would you still love me if I only had one breast?"

"Oh baby, of course I would still love you, I love you for a millions different reasons, don't worry about it."

"Would you still be attracted to me ? I mean we did make tremendous progress in reconstructive surgeries, and implants and skin grafts are more and more successfully used to replace a removed breast. But even if everything is done to make things natural, it's not trust me, I have examined women who had reconstructive breast surgeries. Most of the time there is a substantial lost of sensitivity and it doesn't feel natural."

"Just stop thinking about it, I 'm sorry if sometimes I appear obsess with your breasts. I love you and I'm attracted no matter what happens nothing will ever change that. Come here." Jane whimpered combing her girlfriend's hair with her finger.

Neither women slept that night, they couldn't help but worrying about it.

Maura was scared that the lump might turn out to be cancer. She knew that Jane loved her and would support her, but she was scared to death. She was a Doctor, a very educated and informed one and as a woman she was well documented about breast cancer. She knew what could happen, the best like the worse. Knowing was somehow worse than not knowing because she could clearly picture herself with only one breast.

Breasts are the most feminine part of a woman's body and she always liked her and so did Jane. She could spend hours, caressing them, wandering her tongue between then. Just like any woman facing the same issue Maura was scared for her sex life. She was scared of loosing sensitivity in her nipples if she had to had a mastectomy. She was also scared that Jane wouldn't be attracted to her or look at her differently.

The next morning Jane took Maura to the Doctor and hold her hand through the procedure.

"I'm going this needle is for the local anesthesia, you might feel a small pinch." The Doctor explained.

"I know . Thank you." Maura politely replied holding Jane's hand tight.

"You're doing great baby, I love you." Jane mumbled kissing the top of her hand.

"Now I'm going to insert the needle and take out a piece of the lump and send it to the lab."

Seeing Maura's fear in her eyes and her discomfort Jane did everything she could to reassure her.

"What do you think about some holidays?When all this is over I'm taking you anywhere you want."

"Even to Paris?" Maura said biting her lips and she felt the middle penetrating her flesh.

"Yeah, absolutely … We could go to the Louvre or where ever you want to go. We need holidays."

"But you hate everything that's french…" Maura added squeezing Jane's hand.

"That's because I don't understand them, but I love when you speak french, it's so sexy and besides it's important to open ourselves to knew experiences." Jane joked.

"Alright Maura, you're all done. Please try to stay still and to relax the results should be back in a couple of hours. And please consider the south of France, it's gorgeous."

"Thank you Doctor." Maura smiled, knowing that the only thing they could do was wait.

So Jane and Maura waited until the Doctor came back with the result,. Jane never let go of Maura's hand even for her second.

"You better keep your promise." Maura joked trying to relieve the atmosphere of the obvious tension.

"Of course, while we're here, you can ask me anything you want." Jane replied playing along.

"Well, I wouldn't mind redecorating our house, to make it more like ours not just mine." Maura pouted.

"Alright, you got it. " Jane smiled.

The two women tried their best not to talk or think about the worse case scenario.

Jane wanted to be as positive and supportive s possible, but she was scared.

Maura and her as any other couple went through some hard stuff but never anything like that.

She was scared that as much as she loved and supported her girlfriend that she wouldn't be able to find the right words.

She had no idea what were the approbate words, or behavior in case the lump turned out to be tumor.

Jane was a cop, her job was to protect people and more than anything her job was to protect Maura. She would literally cut one of her arms, give her a kidney or even give up her life for her. But this time she had not idea what to do, and feeling powerless to help the woman she loved was unacceptable for her.

About 2 hours later the Doctor finally came back:

"So I have your lab results." The Doctor said taking a deep breath.

**Don't hate me… But I figured a cliffhanger would be appropriate.**

**So the next chapter will be more than intense. This story is going to be deep, very deep into their minds and psychology. I hope to do this right….**

**Review for more!**


	2. The C word

**Alright guys, first thank you for the reviews, I appreciate it..**

**Thank you for pointing out that the biopsy results take 24 hours, I'm not a Doctor, of of course I can't know every thing I'm just trying to be as accurate as possible:)**

**Chapter 2 :**

**The C word:**

"So I have your lab results."

"You can tell you straight Doctor we're prepared." Jane said holding Maura's hand.

"I'm very sorry Maura but the biopsy showed signs of cancer cells."

"Oh God." Maura hollered squeezing Jane's hand as hard as she could.

"What should we do now, can you remove it, I mean the tumor?"

"Considering the small size of the tumor, yes surgery would be the most effective way to treat, but we can also try radiations."

"No, I want surgery, when can you operate?" Maura strongly asked.

"I can operate the day after tomorrow at 9 am, if you wish."

"Alright, can you guys give me a minute to process here. Can you tell if it's spread?" Jane let out barely able to articulate.

"No, we will only be able to say it's spread once we reach the tumor."

"And what happens if it's spread?"

"He will have to do a mastectomy." Maura replied looking at Jane like she was apologizing to her.

"Oh God." Jane sobbed feeling the tears coming to her eyes.

"We're not there yet, chances are we caught this in time. We need to discuss all the possible cases scenarios alright."The Doctor said seeing that Jane, unlike Maura had no idea of what to expect. Usually she would focused her attention on the patient, but this time the patient happened to be a Doctor who was probably as informed as she was on the subject.

"I'm a Doctor, I don't need you to spare me, I know what to expect. If it's spread I want you to remove to perform and radical mastectomy please."

"Wait wait wait, Maura are you sure? If it's not spread in the entire breast why would want to remove it entirely?Can't you just remove the part of the breast that is infected? "

"Because the cancer could come back. If it started to spread we could miss some part of the tumor and it could come back. By performing a radical mastectomy we could prevent that, without putting Maura through chemo."

"You love me right?" Maura suddenly popped out.

"Of course I do."

"You told me you would still love me with one breast, do you still mean it?Would you still be able to have desire for me?"

"Of course Maura, for better or worse until death do us part. Nothing will never make you stop loving and desiring you."

"Alright then, I have made my decision. Let's go home now. " Maura said trying to stand up.

"Alright I'm taking you home." Jane agreed helping her getting up.

So Jane took Maura home in silence. None of them knew what to say or were even willing to talk.

As they were entering they house Maura made a decision.

"I'm going to take a bath, I need to get rid off that hospital smell." Maura stated moving towards the stairs.

"Alright I will order us some dinner, how about italian, would you fancy some lasagnas?" Jane offered.

"Alright, we can eat them later, because when I come out of my bath I want youth make love to me all night, until my heart stops beating."

"Are you sure?" Jane rasped swallowing hard.

"Yes, Jane I am." Maura nodded moving towards the stairs.

Jane stood there unable to believe what just happened. She knew exactly Maura wanted he rot make love tonight. Not because she was horny, but because she needed to feel like a "real woman " one last time before the surgery because she might came out of it with only one breast.

The thought of Maura thinking of herself as less than a woman, less attractive was unbearable for Jane. At that precise moment she wished she could just transfer the tumor to her own body. She would do anything to feel the pain, psychological and physical pain for her, but she couldn't. All she could do was showing her how much she loved and adored her and supported her, and for Maura, tonight it meant make love to her.

Jane sat on their bed waiting for Maura to come out nervously biting her lower lip.

"_Come on Jane you can do this, you can make love to the woman you love, even if it's a bit morbid. That's what she needs and you're job is to give her what ever she needs._" Jane said to herself.

After halt an hour Jane started to worried.

"Are you ok in there?" Jane asked through the door.

"Yes come in."

When Jane came in she saw Maura wearing a robe facing the mirror.

"Hey baby, are you alright?" Jane said shyly putting her hand on her hip.

"Yes, I was just trying to imagine myself with one breast." Maura replied her right hand on her left breast .

"Shhh, everything is going to be ok, I love you." Jane whispered wrapping her arms around her.

"Than prove it to me." Maura said turning around.

"Alright, if that's what you need." Jane nodded emphasizing on the word _need._

So Jane took Maura to bed and gently opened her robe and made love to her, for hours.

Maura who was usually very vocal during sex, remained silent, but was enjoying herself, Jane could feel her skin shivering, and her pulse rising as she was devouring her from her breasts all the way down to her folds.

Maura need to feel Jane's tongues and fingers on her body, she needed to feel like the most gorgeous woman on earth.

She needed to feel Jane's drawing circles around her nipples with the tip or her tongue.

She simply to feel loved and desire, and that's exactly what Jane was giving her.

As Jane was caressing Maura breast she actually felt the lump and felt so stupid for not noticing it before.

She tried her best to give Maura what she wanted but as the same time she didn't want Maura to think that she was obsessed with her breasts .

Thinking about it Jane realized Maura simply needed to feel love and emotionally desire not sexually.

After a long and tiring love making sessions, out of nowhere Maura burst into tears.

Maura who up until now, remained calm and focused as she always was just totally let herself go.

"It's ok sweetie I'm here you can let it go." Jane whimpered wrapping herself around her.

"Promise you won't leave me." Maura sobbed her entire body trembling.

"Of course not, for better or for worse until death to us part." Jane reassured.

The two women spent the night and the next day in bed, without speaking a single word.

That's how their relationship has always been : Symbiotic. They didn't need to talk to know what the other needed or thought and even if the circumstances were exceptional and unusual Jane knew that all Maura needed was her entire devotion and support and that's exactly what she was going to give her.

The next morning Maura reluctantly prepared herself and oversleep bag to bring to the hospital and let Jane bring her.

As soon as they arrived Maura was installed in a private room where the surgeon took the time to answer to all of their question, well to Jane's questions actually. Maura sat their in silence.

After much consideration she decided that if she needed to have a radical mastectomy she didn't want the surgeon to rebuilt the breast right away.

"Are you sure you want to wait?I mean if he can do everything at once."

"I'm sure, reconstructive surgery is harder than you can imagine, I need time to decide what I really want. Right now I remain positive and prefer thinking that the mastectomy won't be necessary. If I found myself having one we will discuss options afterwards." Maura quietly stated.

"You're right let's stay focus on the most positive outcome." Jane nodded.

"So, the nurse will take you to the OR very soon, if you have any other questions in the mean time please let me know."

"Thank you Doctor." Maura nodded.

"I'm going to be right here when you wake up, don't worry, do you need me to call my parents or yours?"

"I would rather id you don't. My parents are in europe but you can call your mom you might need her support."

"You're right. Do you need anything for when you wake up?"

"You, I only need you."

"Then you got me for ever and always."

About half an hour later a nurse came to take Maura to the OR to be prepared for the operation.

"I will be right here, I love you." Jane professed one last time before kissing Maura's forehead.

"I love you too." Maura responded cupping Jane's face with her right hand.

As soon as Maura was out of sight Jane instinctively reached out for her phone and called her mom.

"Ma?No, not so good, I'm at the hospital, it's Maura. I need you."

"I'm coming stay where you are sweetie."

"Thank you, don't tell anyone please, I'm on the 6 th floor, the surgery floor."

"Alright see you in a few."

When Angela arrived she found her daughter sitting in the waiting room her head between her knees.

"Hey sweetheart." Angela murmured sitting next to her daughter.

"It's Maura mom…she… has breast cancer…" Jane painfully let out.

"What?"

"She found a lump in her breast and then had a biopsy which revealed that it was indeed a tumor with cancer cells."

"Oh my god, why didn't you tell me?"

"We only found out two days ago and Maura wanted to keep it between us. "

"Do they think it's spread?"

"They don't know. They'll only know once they reached the tumor and explore the rest of the breast. If it's spread they will have no other choice but to perform a radical mastectomy to avoid recurrence."

"Let's try to stay calm and positive. Maura is young and healthy ,she's a Doctor, she probably caught it it time." Angela said trying to reassure her daughter rubbing her back.

"I didn't. I mean we make love almost every night and God knows I spend a lot of time of her breasts and I didn't feel the lump until yesterday."

"It's not your fault, you're here you're supporting her it's all that matters alright?"

After a few hours that seems like days, the surgeon finally came out the OR to update Jane.

"So Doctor, what can you tell me?Oh God I'm not family, you can't tell me anything." Jane suddenly realized, even if Maura and her were dating and were living together she wasn't consider family.

"Don't worry Dr Isles made it clear that you needed to be informed. I think you should sit down."

"OH God, no." Jane hollered falling on the ground.

"Oh Janie…" Angela said trying to pick her daughter up.

"Maura is in recovery, she will be under anesthesia for another 2 hours. I'm very sorry but the cancer was spread too far we had to perform a radical mastectomy. As instructed we didn't perform the reconstructive surgery. You and Maura will have to discuss it when she's ready." The Doctor quietly explained .

"Are you going to tell her?Because I would rather do it myself. This has to come from me."

"Alright, you know best but I will be here if you need me. You can go see her in recovery and stay with her until she wakes up."

"Is she going to be in a lot of pain?" Angela asked concerned.

"Yes, the pain will be intense. She will not be able to lift her arms or to carry anything heavy for several weeks. Also she's going to keep the drain that I placed for a few days."

"Alright, Ma would you stay with her there is something I need to do…"

"You're leaving now?" Angela frowned.

"I will be back before she wakes up I need to get her something." Jane explained.

Knowing exactly what Jane was going to get Maura Angela didn't complain.

"You know I love her like a daughter. I will look after her, come back fast."

"Thank you Ma, I love you." Jane said before embracing her mother.

**So guys, what do you think?**

**I'm sorry for doing that to her, I really Am, the rest should be as intense. Again I 'm pretending that I know how it feels, but as a woman I can certainly imagine .**

**PS: What do you think Jane is getting Maura?**


	3. Stepping up

**Again I never pretended to know how it felt to have this decease and I never pretended to be medically accurate either…I'm sorry I offended someone but this story is more about love,support and understanding then it is about cancer…**

**Chapter 3 :**

**Stepping up :**

About an hour later Jane finally came back.

"How is she?" Jane whispered sitting next to her mother.

"She's moving, she should wake up soon, so you got her what I think you got her?"

"Yes I have been saving up since our first anniversary but never got the guts to buy it."

"Are you sure this is the right moment?"

"I don't know, all I know is that she's the one Ma, I was sitting there imaging her physical and emotional pain, I couldn't do anything. The only thing I can do is love her unconditionally. I can't imagine my life without her Ma, I contemplated that possibility and it's not a option. She's my life."

"I know, I'm going to leave you now. Call me later when you need me to come visit. I love you, both of you." Angela said standing up before kissing the top of Jane's head.

"We love you too Ma, thank you. "

Jane sat there with that little blue box in her hands, not knowing if it was in fact the most appropriate moment and also torturing herself on how to announce the bad news to Maura.

She knew the minute Maura would woke up she would feel and see that the worse had happened.

About half an hour later Maura painfully woke up:

"Hey baby, how do you feel?"Jane mumbled leaning over to gently kiss Maura's lip trying not to hurt her.

"What happened?Was it spread?" Maura painfully asked.

"I'm sorry babe, it was, he had no choice but to remove the entire breast ,they remove the entire tumor as well, you're going to be alright, I promise." Jane whispered kissing the top of Maura's hand.

"Oh God did he do a radical mastectomy?" Maura painfully let out.

"Yes, she told me that the tumor had spread to the chest wall muscle and that she had no other choice."

"Oh God, it's the worst that could have happened, reconstructive surgery will be so hard.."

"It's alright sweetie, just let it go, I love you and I'm not going anywhere without you. We will find you the best plastic surgeon there is, but right you need to rest."

"I love you too, thank you for holding my hand through this and for waiting while I was in the OR. The wait must have been excruciating, I'm sorry for putting you through this."

"Don't apologize, Actually right after you came out of surgery I left you with my mom, I had some shopping to do." Jane pouted pulling the little blue box from her jacket.

"Oh Jane…You don't have to…"

"I don't have to, I want to. I was sitting in that waiting room thinking about the every possible scenario and I always came to the same conclusion. I love you Maura, I don't know when I started but I know that I will never stop. My love for you is growing every day, every time I look at you, every time I hold you, every time you make me laugh, I love a you a bit more. I know for a fact that no matter what happens, I will never stop loving you or desiring you. So I went to a jewelry store and pick up this ring I had my eye on for a while, knowing that marrying was the only thing that mattered to me. Maura Isles would you do me the honor of marrying me?" Jane proposed on one knee tears streaming down her face.

"I can't marry Jane, I'm sorry." Maura cried out.

"I love you and I promise you that everything is going to be ok, what happened today doesn't change anything. You know me too well to know that I'm not asking you to marry me out of obligation or pity. You're my soul mate, we belong together. I'm sorry that I had to see you go through this to grow a pair and pop the question."

"I know, it's just …I can't do that now..I'm sorry." Maura sobbed turning her head away from Jane.

"It' s ok babe, shhh don't worry I will go down on one knee again once you're fully recovered. I just wanted you to know that my feelings are still the same if not stronger." Jane said gently crawling in bed next to her wounded and damage girlfriend trying not to hurt her.

"How am I suppose to survive that?" Maura whimpered her eyes felled with tears.

"You're not alone, we're facing this together."

As both women were lying close to each other Maura couldn't think but feeling like her life was over.

She was a Doctor she knew the progress made in reconstructive surgery those past 10 years but it didn't keep her from feeling terrible.

Even if she knew she could afford the best plastic surgeon in the world and even if she had all the medical knowledge about the procedure, it wasn't enough.

She felt like she just lost a part of her feminality and no breast implants as realistic as it could possibly be would ever make her feel complete again.

At that precise moment she felt like half a woman.

She didn't know what to do, for the first time in her life Dr Maura Isles didn't have all the answers.

The only thing she knew was that she had Jane. She was with this wonderful woman who would literally go to hell and back just to spare her any pain.

Maura knew the next few months wold be critical both physical and emotionally.

Her first instinct was to reject Jane, to break up with her because she didn't want to be a burden to her, but she couldn't.

She couldn't reject Jane, she needed her, she knew Jane's unconditionally love and support would probably be the only thing that would help her.

Maura knew that Jane meant it when she promised that she wasn't proposing out of obligation or pity. Jane loved her, with one breast, or two, and that was scaring her . How could she still be attracted to her, looking like that, wounded, damaged, amputated or that party of her body that Jane cherished so much?

She knew she wasn't the woman Jane fell in love with, physically or emotionally and she could only hope that Jane would continue to love her.

A few days later, Maura was finally discharged. Jane stayed with her days and nights refusing to leave her side. Maura needed space to process and apprehend her future but she didn't have the strength to ask Jane to give her space. The only moment she asked Jane to leave was when the nurse would come to change her bandage. She didn't want to traumatize her. Jane never complained when she was asked to leave the room, she also didn't complain when Maura told her she wanted to hire a private nurse to take care of her at home. Jane could understand that Maura didn't want her to see her enormous and unattractive scar. Even if she had discretely researched it online Jane wasn't sure of the reaction she would have seeing Maura's scar. Seeing an total stranger 's picture on the internet and seeing her partner in front of her were to different things. Even if she was prepared she couldn't anticipate her own reaction.

Maura was ready to go home, she was sitting on the edge of her hospital bed, trying to get dressed.

"I can't even tie my own shoes." Maura groaned.

"It's alright I will do it for you." Jane smiled going on one knee again, this time to help her girlfriend tie her shoes.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, see all done. We can go home now."

"I'm leaving on my feet, not in a wheel chair."

"Do you see one in that room?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, let's get the hell out of here. Bass misses you so much." Jane said grabbing Maura's arms expecting her to fall.

"Alright." Maura agreed holding Jane's arm tight.

So Jane took Maura home helping her in and out of the car, driving as slow as possible to avoid hurting her in case she would hit a bump on the road.

"Here were are, home sweet home . " Jane said opening the door.

Maura didn't reply, she just instinctively walk towards their bedroom followed by Jane and Joe friday who like Bass missed her.

Maura just like a zombie crawled in bed and didn't say a word , Jane joined her and didn't say a word either, she didn't know what to say.

"There is something I need to tell you." Maura suddenly said.

"Tell me."

"I won't need chemo, I mean he removed everything included including the skin, nipple and areola, lymph nodes, the chest wall muscles under the breast, and some of the surrounding fatty tissue."

"I know sweetheart she told me that the tumor would never come back that way."

"Neither will my breast, I mean the surgery is easier with a modified mastectomy you know…"

"I know but you would have required chemo to avoid recurrence."

"I know, I made the right decision, it's just…"

"I know don' t worry I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't want to see anyone, not your family not mine, nobody can see me like this except you."

"Alright, we're doing things your way."

"You're afraid of touching me aren't you?"

"I'm not scare I'm just a bit…"

"Disgusted?"

"Of course not, I just don't want to hurt you and I don't want to force you to be close to you if you don't want to."Jane confessed slowly moving closer to Maura.

"You won't hurt me, don't worry." Maura said taking Jane's arms and placing in around her waist.

Somehow the two women fell asleep in each other's arms close to each other but distant at the same time. Jane didn't move a bit during the night, she was to scare of accidentally hurting Maura, or worse touching her.

The next morning Maura slowly and painfully opened her eyes.

When she opened her eyes her chest was hitching from the stitches and burning at the same time, her breath was short and she was thirsty.

"Hey you." Jane whispered.

"Hey." Maura replied trying to sit down.

"Easy, I got you." Jane replied trying to help her straightening up.

"Would you bring me a glass of water please?" Maura rasped her throat so dry that she couldn't swallow.

"Sure." Jane nodded.

As Jane was in the bathroom Maura tried to sit on the edge of the bed. She could barely breath, she felt like a horse was stepping on her chest.

"Here you go sweetheart." Jane said kneeled in front of her gently weeping the hair off her face.

"Are you hungry?"

"No I think I'm going to be sick…" Maura burped her hand in front of her face.

"I got you, let's take you to the bathroom…" Jane said trying to help her to stand up.

"I…" Maura mumbled before violently trowing up all over the bed.

"Oh Maura…" Jane said trying to pull her hair back.

Maura at that moment felt so humiliated, not being able to hold it.

Jane could see the embarrassment on her face.

"Let's take you to the bathroom and clean you up." Jane offered taking Maura into her arms and taking her to the bathroom .

So Jane took a towel, put some water on this and gently wiped Maura lips and chin.

Maura didn't move she simply stood there, her head down.

Once she was finished Jane noticed that Maura's shirt was dirty.

"Let me get you something clean."

So Jane went into her closet and pick up one of her own shirts, a blue one Maura liked a lot.

She took a deep breath and push the bathroom door.

"Here, I will be behind the door if you need help." Jane offered handing the shirt to Maura.

"Thank you." Maura sighed.

Jane knew that Maura wouldn't let her see her without clothes and she respected that. She also knew that it would be excruciating for Maura to change clothes by herself but she needed to respect her privacy and shame .

Maura did suffer while taking off the dirty shirt and putting the new one on. She could barely lift her left arm. It took her about 10 minutes to finish up.

Jane was leaning her forehead against the door in pain, she couldn't bare knowing Maura was in pain and being unable to do help her.

" I love you so much." Jane sobbed against the door.

"You can come in now."

Jane came in and saw Maura wearing her shirt, god she was gorgeous when she was wearing her clothes. She tried her best to to stare at her chest.

"It smells like you thank you." Maura sighed smelling on of the sleeve of Jane's shirt.

"You're welcome. How about you sit there while I change the shits?We can have breakfast after that."

Maura didn't replied she simple moved towards the huge chair that was by the window, she sat in and crawled in fetal position.

As Jane was changing the bed shits she couldn't help but noticing Maura's look, so distant and empty.

"Would you like to go get breakfast now?"

Maura didn't replied she simply shook her head.

"Alright I guess we can skip breakfast."

"I'm so sorry Jane."

"Don't apologize, I love you, I'm here for you."

"I know, my first instinct is to reject you because I don't want to be a burden, but I need you so much. I just don't want to hurt you."

"You're not hurting me. From now on you can cry, scream, even yell at me if you want, don't hide everything from me alright. I will stay by your side no matter what happens and I'm also here when you're ready to talk alright. Just let go Maura, don't hide everything from me. I love you and I'm going to spend the rest of my life showing in to you , I promise." Jane professed down on one knee.

"Alright. Thank you, I'm willing to accept your help. It might just take time that's all."

"Take as much time as you need."

The two women sat there holding hands for a while. Jane was grateful that Maura wasn't rejecting her and that she was willing to lean on her. She didn't know if her shoulders were strong enough but she knew she had to step up and be there for her.

**So guys what do you think?I know it was heart breaking…Poor Maura, at least she's not totally rejecting Jane...:) Things will hopefully get better.**


	4. Desperate move

Chapter 4 :

Desperate move:

The next week was quite routine. Maura would wake up every morning, try to wash herself, put some of Jane's clothes and then sit in that chair with a book and would only leave it when her nurse would come.

Maura had hired one of the best private nurse money could buy. She needed her to change her bandage and make sure the stitches were still in place and that there was not swelling .

Jane could hear Maura crying in the bathroom every time the nurse came, because she had to face her chest, to look at it.

It was killing Jane to see her suffer like that , feeling less than a woman, but she also knew she needed to go through the mourning process.

Soon enough Maura had to go see her surgeon for her post op consult, to see if she could take off the stitches and if the scarring process was going well.

It was the first time Maura was going out since the operation. She was scared of people's look even strangers' look. She didn't want to see pity or disgust in people's eyes.

So, determined to hide herself she wore one of Jane's shirt, actually ever since she came back home she would only wear Jane's shirt. Not only they were big enough so it would hide her half flat chest but also they smelled like Jane, and that was comforting for her.

As they we waiting in the waiting room, Maura felt she needed to talk to Jane.

"Do you mind staying here?I mean I know I told you I would share with you, but I'm not ready to let me see it yet."

"No problem, I 'm going to stay right here if you need me alright?" Jane replied holding Maura's hand.

"Alright."

A few minutes later Maura's turn was up.

"So Maura, how are you feeling today?"The Doctor asked.

"I'm alright, the first few days were rough, I would vomit and feel out of breath waking up but I'm ok now."

"Good. Can I examine you?"

"Sure." Maura nodded.

So Maura sat the the examination table and took off her shirt.

As the female Doctor was examined her, Maura didn't even flinched, she stood straight and just fixated a spot on the wall.

"Well the scaring looks good, there is no swelling. I'm going to take the stitches if it's ok with you."

"Alright Doctor." Maura nodded still fixated the wall.

So the Doctor gently removed the stitches and as soon as she was done offered Maura to put her clothes back on.

"Have you consider your option for reconstructive surgery yet?"

"No, it's strange isn't it?Being to afford the best plastic surgeon in the world but knowing that it will never be enough."

"I know, as a woman I can understand how you feel. As a Doctor you know the progress made in term of reconstructive surgeries, you should be able to have the same size and shape, but you still feel anxious about it."

"Well being o Doctor I know but it doesn't feel natural and I will probably loose sensibility,well actually I still can't feel anything …"

"It's perfectly normal give your nerves and skin time to heal,sensations should come back soon. "

"Or it might never come back…"

"You have to remain optimistic , you have a lovely partner who loves and supports you, you have to look towards the future."

"I'm indeed very lucky, Jane is loving, caring and supportive, you know she actually proposed to me right after I woke up that day…"

"She mentioned something when I saw her, so when is the wedding?"

"I don't know, I declined her proposition, I just can't accept, I know she loves me and that she didn't do it out of pity or obligation, but I don't want out engagement to start during this."

"I understand Maura, I really do."

"Thank you Doctor, if you excuse me now, Jane is waiting, I will call you once I decide what I want but I will probably go to New York for the surgery."

"Good idea if you need any referrals please call me, actually call me if you need anything."

"Thank you." Maura politely said before shaking the Doctor's hand.

After the consultation Jane took Maura home, but didn't ask her about it, she wanted to know if the Doctor took her stitches off, but she didn't want to intrude.

Later that day :

"Do you need anything?" Jane asked her keys in her hand ready to leave.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"I'm going to visit my mom. Do you need me to bring you anything?"

"Oh, you're leaving me alone?" Maura pouted.

"No I'm not let me send her a text…" Jane said pulling her cell from her pocket.

"You don't have to do that."

"I don't have to I want to, I'm here for you." Jane said texting her mother.

"I just feel …weak for relaying on you all the time, but I can't help it I need to feel your presence, even if I'm not the best company."

"Look at me, you're not weak, you're strongest person I know, you survived this, admitting you need help doesn't make you weak it make you stronger ."

"You make me stronger, I just feel like I'm not myself anymore, you know I always thought that I was more then just a nice looking woman. I always emphasized on my personality, my intelligence, but I lose a breast and I suddenly I don't know who I am anymore."

"That's perfectly normal , I mean breasts are an important part of a woman's body and even if you never let your body define who you are, it's part of you, and when that body is alternate so is your personality."

"I know.."

"I'm here sweetheart." Jane said wrapping her arm against Maura's waist.

"I feel like reconstructive won't solve anything. I mean I will be able to have a new breast and I will look normal again, but I know I won't feel normal again."

"I understand, do you want to wait until you recovered physiologically to have the surgery?"

"Yes, I feel like having the surgery before accepting and being emotionally recovered from what happened to me would be like ignoring and burying the problem."

"I agree with you, you need to accept what happen to you before thinking about surgery. It's a mourning process, we'll do thing at your pace, we have all the time in the world."

"Doesn't it bother you?I mean you haven't seen it, but it's disturbing . I thought you would want me to be normal again."

"I want you to be you again emotionally first and if surgery is the very last step of your recovery I will support you ."

"Don't you want to be able to touch me again?"

"Of course I do, I'm aware that it might you takes months for you to feel ready to have the surgery and I will wait until you're both physically and emotionally recover."

"Does that mean you wouldn't consider touching me before the surgery?"

"No, I…I mean I thought you would never let me see you let alone touch you before the surgery."

"Would you make love to me right now if I asked you to?"

"I would do anything you want or need me to do sweetheart, I love you and you're beautiful inside and out so yes I would if you were ready for it yes I would make love to you."

"I believe you, thank you."

"You're welcome."

Later that evening Maura was finally able to shower normally, after taking a quick shower she stood in front of the mirror, naked looking at her wounded body. Looking at it like that she realized she wouldn't be able to get through this alone, and for Jane to be able to fully understand her, she needed to see it.

So Maura put a robe on and walk towards Jane who was watching tv in bed.

"Jane…" Maura shyly called walking towards her.

"Are you ok?Do you need anything?" Jane said sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Yes, I want you to see me."

"You don't have to do that babe, really."

"I do, you deserve to see it, you have been helping to survive this but you have no concrete idea of what we're up against. ." Maura said sitting on her bed on their bed.

"Alright, take your time and remember it doesn't change anything." Jane promised pressing her forehead against Maura's .

"I know." Maura murmured slowly untying her robe .

"You're beautiful." Jane whimpered gently opening Maura's robe revealing her wounded and scarred body.

As Jane was gently opening the robe Maura started to shiver and cry unable to hold the flow of emotions . She never felt so vulnerable in her entire life.

As Maura's robe was now completely opened Jane let her eyes wandered on her girlfriend chest for few seconds trying not to cry. She had seen pictures online, but this was far more frightening then she expected, because it was the woman she loved.

"I'm so deeply in love with you." Jane sobbed gently moving her hand towards Maura's chest.

She expected Maura to push her away , she feared that she wouldn't let her touch her, but Maura didn't flinch.

As Jane was gently sliding her finger tips on Maura's scar she suddenly understood Maura's pain and could feel Maura's heart hammering her against her chest.

Jane realized that Maura was stronger than she had imagined. Surviving this, having to face this every day must have been the most terrible pain a woman could experience.

Jane didn't want to expose Maura longer than necessary so she quickly closed and tied her robe.

"I love you." She said leaning a wet and tender kiss on Maura's lips reaching to her back pocket.

"I…I…I love you too Jane." Maura trembled.

And suddenly out of nowhere Jane went down on one knee again.

"Oh Jane, no, don't do that."

"I love you so much Maura, nothing can pull us apart, now that I have seen what you must live with everyday, my love, devotion and admiration for you is stronger and deeper then ever. So I'm not asking you to marry me. I'm telling you, I'm marrying you Maura Isles." Jane stated passing the ring around Maura's finger her eyes filled up with tears.

"Yes, I will marry you Jane Rizzoli." Maura smiled.

Seeing that smile on her fiancee's face, Jane never felt so happy. She saw hope in Maura's eye, and also trust, she trusted her to help her trough this.

"I love you much and I'm going to give you everything, I promise."

"There is something you can do. Make love to me Jane." Maura almost begged.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure that I love you and that I need you to make me feel complete again, can you do that?" Maura said moving herself further on their bed.

"Absolutely. If you want to stop, If you feel uncomfortable or if I'm hurting you just tell me to stop alright." Jane instructed joining her.

"Just take your time, and I will be alright." Maura said falling back on her pillow.

Jane,strangely knew exactly what Maura wanted and needed. She needed her to make her feel like a complete woman again. She needed Jane to desire her all of her and that would imply touching her, everywhere.

Jane wasn't disgusted by the idea idea of touching of even wandering her lips on her scar. She loved her , all of her.

So Jane as naturally as she possibly could reopened Maura's robe and started kissing her gently rubbing her belly with her thumb.

Usually Jane would move on top of Maura because she knew she loved to feel her body against her. This time she didn't, she didn't want to hurt her.

Maura simply closed her eyes trying to relax. She could feel Jane's fingers wandering on her belly and gently moving towards her scar. She didn't move a bit, she trusted Jane.

So Jane gently started to caress Maura's scar while gently kissing her neck all the way towards her right breast.

As she felt Jane's tongue wandering on her right breast and her right hand on her scar Maura felt so loved and cared for. Feeling the tip of Jane's tongue drawing circles around her nipple she started to feel aroused.

"Oh Jane…" She panted eager for more.

Expecting Jane to move her hand from her scar towards her fold Maura started to spread her legs.

"Do you trust me?" Jane asked looking straight into Maura's shining eyes.

"I do."

"Alright, remember you're my fiancee now, I love you." Jane sensually whispered before dragging her mouth towards Maura's scar.

At that moment Maura felt scared, scared to death, allowing Jane to touch or caress her flat and lifeless chest was one thing but letting her stroke it with her tongue was harder.

"Jane stop please." Maura begged her hand on Jane's head.

"Alright sweetie, I'm sorry, I have gone too far. " Jane mumbled sliding on Maura's side.

"Wait, don't stop just give me a minute."

"Sure." Jane agreed gently rubbing her cheek with her thumb.

"It's just…I lost sensibility..I couldn't feel it when you were touched me there."

"Oh, well give some time for your nerves to heal properly."

"I know, but it might never come back."

"Shhh, stay positive." Jane asked resting her head on Maura's shoulder.

"I'm sorry I thought I was ready…" Maura sobbed, tears streaming down her face.

"It's ok baby, I will wait…I'm so proud of you, you took a big step towards me today by showing you scar to me. "

"I know, it was hard because I thought you wouldn't be able to look at me in the eyes afterwards, but you didn't even flinched."

"Because I love you and I was sincere when I said that it didn't change anything." Jane said wipping the tears with her thumb.

"Alright then." Maura sighed.

The two women fell asleep quickly. Jane was afraid that what had just happened would change everything. Maura had made so much progress, she was more open and she showed her scar to her. She was afraid that after what happened she would moved backward and close herself completely erasing all the progress she made...

**So guys what do you think?I'm surprise by how much I'm inspired by this story...At first I want to focus on Maura's recovery but I might go further then that...**

**Anyway review for more!**


	5. Holidays

**Chapter 5:**

**Holidays :**

After the "let's try to have sex" incident life went on. Surprisingly Maura didn't shut herself completely after the incident. Actually encouraged by Jane's support she opened herself more, she would talk more about it, she would allow Jane to kiss her, hug her and most importantly she didn't sleep at the other end of the bed.

Things were going in the right direction, slowly but they were getting there.

It had been a month now since Maura had the surgery that changed her life, and she was still refusing to go outside. She would only agreed to go visit Jane's family, she refused to go shopping or even take a walk with Jane and Joe friday. Maura started to accept what happened to her, but she still have issues to accept her body. Jane was still staying home with her, refusing to go back to work until she was completely recovered both emotionally and mentally. Lucky for them they didn't really need to work. As they didn't have to worry about money they could use all their energy to get Maura back on her feet.

It was a sunny friday afternoon, the two women were enjoying a nice sun bath, Maura was reading a book Jane's mom had advised her to read and Jane was simply enjoying the sun .

"Are you bored with me?" Maura let out .

"What?" Jane replied lowering her sun glasses.

"Well you stopped working a month ago now, and knowing how active you are so I 'm sure staying at home with me and being inactive must be hard for you."

"Well I would lie if I told you I'm not missing being on the job, catching bad guys, kicking down some doors, but I'm not bored. I love being home with you and helping you in your recovery. I think if I went back to work I would spend my days thinking about you and worrying, I wouldn't be very efficient, not to mentioned it could be dangerous."

"So you don't want to go back to work?"

"No, I want to stay home with you, I will go back to work with you when you're ready."

"I know but it's not healthily for us to be together 24/7, you need human contact and to get out of the house."

"I know, that's why I visit my mom and the guys often, don't worry I'm fine, but I have to admit I would love to take you out for dinner or even shopping . You need to get out as well. Is there any place you would feel comfortable going to?" Jane asked settling next to her.

"Well I always enjoyed our house in the Hamptons,the beach is private so we wouldn't have to face too many people."

"Perfect then, we're going to the Hamptons." Jane joyfully said.

She loved Maura more than anything in this world and she wanted and needed to help her. She couldn't imagine being anywhere else but right here with her every single day until she was ready to be more independent. But the truth was the she wanted, she needed to get off the house, and Maura knew it.

"Alright, if it makes you happy." Maura nodded a corner smile on her face.

"Well I'm not forcing you to go but I have to admit I need some fresh air you know."

"I know, it's just the beach is gorgeous and I won't be able to wear a bikini or to go swimming.." Maura pointed out.

"Oh crap, I didn't think of that, I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize, it's ok, I guess we can still walk on the beach and take sun baths, even if I have to limit my exposure to direct sun light."

"We can go somewhere else, somewhere where you won't have to worry about other people wearing bikinis,let me see."

"It's fine Jane,really I love the Hamtpons, the beach, the wind on my skin, the smell and the house is gorgeous."

"Alright, then, I'm sure we can ask my mom to take care of Bass and Joe Friday for us, well we can take Joe with us."

"I'm sure she would love it there…"

"Alright then, let me take care of everything."

"I trust you."

So Jane organized everything and 3 days later they flew to Maura's summer house in the Hamptons.

The two women were enjoying nice evening on the terrace of Maura's parents' house, feeling a cold wind down their neck. They were sitting in the same long chair,

"Are you cold?" Jane asked snaking herself ever tighter around her.

"No, I'm not, isn't this beautiful?"

"Not as beautiful as you." Jane smiled kissing her shoulder.

"Oh Jane, you don't have to flatter me to get me into marrying you…"

"I know but I mean it, I only have eyes for you, you're the most gorgeous woman on earth for me."

"Well even if beauty is a matter of a opinion, thank you. Can I ask you something though?"

"Of course."

"How is it that we never talked about getting married before this?"

"Well, I guess I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment, and knowing me like you do you decided not to push me, I always knew you would be ready before me."

"I think I have been waiting for you to propose since our first kiss…"

"Really?"

"Yes, I knew from that precise moment that I was going to spend the rest of my life with you and that one day I would be Mrs Rizzoli."

"Well I'm sorry for keeping you waited for so long."

"Don't be , for the past year you gave yourself to me, 100%. I knew you were going to propose at some point and I was perfectly happy the way things were."

"But now you're happier…"

"I'm, I truly Am, speaking of which this ring is quite impressive, it must have cost you a fortune…" Maura stated looking at her gorgeous diamonds ring.

"Both arms and legs, but my princess deserves the best ."

The two women spent the night lying down watching at the ocean dreaming of their future together.

The next morning, as Maura was still sleeping Jane took the opportunity go running on the beach,hoping to be back before she wakes up.

When Maura woke up Jane wasn't back yet. She turned on her side and saw a note on Jane's pillow.

_"Went for a run, didn't want to wake you, love you."_

So Maura woke up and went to the terrace hoping to catch a glance of her fiancee.

After looking around for a woman, putting her eyes through the telescope they had installed the previous night she started to observe them.

The woman was about Jane's size, blonde, fairly athletic but what caught Maura's eyes were her breasts, they weren't huge or anything, they were just perfectly shaped, just the way Jane loved them.

Observing them interacting she could clearly see that the woman was flirting with Jane, she was smiling, twisting her hair with her fingers. Jane was quite receptive , she wasn't uncomfortable, it was quite the opposite, she was smiling and actually talking to her.

After a few minutes Maura had enough and decided to crawl back in bed.

About half an hour late Jane finally came home and decided to check on Maura.

"Hey sleeping beauty, I'm going to take a shower and after that we can have breakfast." Jane murmured crawling in bed next to her.

"I'm not hungry."

"Come on , it's a beautiful day let's eat outside." Jane offered trying to pull her out of bed.

"I said no Jane, why don'y you ask your new friend?" Maura jeered.

"My new friend?Oh you mean the woman I was talking to earlier. She's one of your neighbors, as the beach is only opened to residents, she wanted to make sure I wasn't an intruder."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her that I was on vacation with my fiancee who happened to own a house here . You saw us talking?"

"I saw you flirting." Maura let out rolling on her side turning her back on Jane.

"Oh Maura, I wasn't flirting, I was making nice with our neighbor, you always tell me how unsocial I am, so I made an effort."

"The fact that she was very attractive didn't hurt I suppose."Maura groaned with a touch of irony in her voice.

"Would you just stop this? I wasn't flirting, " Jane begged snaking her arms around her.

"Don't touch me, look I understand, you have needs and…"

"God woman, please don't give me the " You have needs I can't fulfill so I understand you looking somewhere else" speech. My needs are covered, 110% covered."

"I'm sorry Jane, it's just, I can't keep women from coming to you and attraction is a natural phenomenon that nobody can control." Maura said turning around to face Jane.

"I have never been attracted to any other woman since we started dating, or to any man for that matter. Of course I can look at a woman and find her beautiful or attractive, but you're the only woman who makes my heart melt every time you smile. Every morning when I wake up and I look at you, I still feel the same shivers down my spine, you just take my breath Maura, every day."

" I know I'm sorry, I used to be sure of myself and now…"

"Well if you're not sure of yourself, trust me. I love you, only you, I know it's hard to believe but as I told you a million times, what happened didn't change anything. Come on how about you join me in the shower?"

"I would love to, but can we just stay in bed a little longer, I love the way you smell after running.."

"Must be the pheromones." Jane joked pulling Maura against her.

"Yes, you have that effect on me, like a magnet or something... I can't quite explain it scientifically."

"It's called love darling." Jane joked kissing Maura's neck.

**So guys, what do you think?I'm taking things slow, but they're not to far from the city, so maybe Maura could have her surgery sooner than expect...**

**As always it only takes 30 seconds to review.**


	6. The bra

**Chapter 6 :**

** The bra : **

The next week felt like a piece of paradise for both women, they would spend their days walking on the beach, reading, cuddling , eating sea food.

Maura was making important progress and was actually smiling more and more which made Jane very happy and full of hope.

Jane didn't want to push Maura to talk about surgery, she knew she was only one to decide when to have it. On the other hand she couldn't help but thinking about the convenience of being so close to the city, but the last thing she wanted to do make Maura think she couldn't handle her actual body.

It was a friday night, the 7th night they spent here on Maura's parents' beach house in the Hamptons.

"Thank you for taking me here. I feel better, I wish we could stay here for ever." Maura said.

" Well we can stay here as much as you want, I enjoy it very much."

"You'll get bored eventually …."

"Of the sea food yes, but not of seeing you smiling…"

"That's not the place it's you Jane, really. When I was diagnosed I thought my life was over. I thought that I would never be able to overcome it. I was wrong, I should have trusted you and your ability to support an love me unconditionally ."

"I understand, when something like that happens no matter how many friends you have or how great your family or partner is , you feel alone. I'm happy you didn't reject me and that you accepted my help."

"So am I, I'm starting to feel like a woman again, because of you, the way you look at me, the way you hold me, the way you touch me helps me a lot, I feel beautiful when I'm in your arms."

"You are darling, you truly are."

"I know…Anything you would like to do tomorrow?"

"We could go to the city, we can't go back to Boston without getting you new pair of shoes." Jane joked wishes that Maura would understand what she truly meant.

"You know if you have something in mind you can be honest we're been together long enough…"

"Alright darling, I apologize I just don't know how to bring the subject, but I'm going to try. I was thinking we could go to the city and consult a plastic surgeon, you know while we're here." Jane replied trying not to appear to eager to have her accept the surgery.

"If that's what you want."

"It's what I would like, but if you're not ready It's ok, I can't possibly pressure you to have a reconstructive surgery if you re not ready."

"I'm not ready yet, I'm just starting to accept my body the way it is now and I don't want the surgery until I accept it 100%. I know it's inconvenient for you, esthetically speaking."

"To be honest it was a bit disturbing at first, but I got used to it, take your time alright?"

"Thank you, well in the mean time maybe we could consider a mastectomy bra."

"Alright that sounds good, if that's what you want, from what I learned the prosthesis looks and feel very natural. It might help you with your body image and confidence."

"Jane Rizzoli, have you done some research?"

"I have, I think you gave me the virus of researching when I'm stressed about something ."

"Well thank you, it shows how much you care about me. I think we should go to the city and see what we can find."

"Well I love you very much. So tomorrow we're go to town and see…"

That night Maura went to bed feeling slightly better. She was scared that Jane would accept a mastectomy bra as a valuable solution. This bra was a good solution for public appearance, but once she would go home and be naked in bed with her she would still be missing a breast. This was only a temporary solution. Or was it?

The next day Maura and Jane went to the city after doing some research on the internet and find a store that would provide them with a large choose of mastectomy bras. Jane was anxious because she was truly hoping Maura would find this solution adequate. She loved her and supported it, but she couldn't help but being so bored and lonely at home and of course she felt guilty about it. She wanted Maura to feel comfortable about her own body so she would accept to go out more instead of staying home all day long.

When they arrived in the store they were surprise by how much choice they had, they had a deep variety of shapes, size colors. Everything in this store was considered so every single woman could find the perfect prosthetic that would match their remaining breast.

So Jane and Maura starting to wander in the alleys of the store holding hands.

"What do you think of this one?" Maura said pointing out a red dentelle bra.

"It looks good ." Jane nodded.

"Well you have your say in this, I mean the prosthetic will be an easy choice, it has to be the same size and shape as my other breast. But for the bra I need your opinion." Maura explained trying to show Jane that she needed her support but also that she wanted her to agree on her choice.

"Alright, I prefer black on you…and light yellow, and white, but not red."

"Alright then…How about this one?"

Half an hour later Maura was ready to try half a dozens of difference bras, all she needed now was to find the perfect prosthetic to insert inside the bras.

Maura could see that Jane was supportive but a bit comfortable about that part so she didn't push her into giving her her opinion.

"Wait here while I try this on." Maura said winking at Jane before entering the fitting room.

_"God please, make this work, please_." Jane said to herself.

After a few minutes Maura was finally ready to show herself to Jane.

"You can come in now." Maura shyly said through the door.

"Alright ." Jane nodded entering the fitting room.

"What do you think?" Maura asked looking for approval.

"I think it look great , really…" Jane mumbled.

"Come closer, you can touch if you want, it's not only for me it's for you as well." Maura shyly said pulling Jane closer to her.

"Alright,it's ….the size matches perfectly and it feels natural, I think you look gorgeous darling and black is really hot on you." Jane replied gently grabbing Maura's fake breast.

"Do you think it would look good under a dress?"

"I think so…You know they have swimming suits as well…" Jane pouted.

"Alright, I think we can take one as well, I know you're dying to go swimming."

"Yes , I am, I'm happy to see you smiling like that. I love you." Jane murmured kissing her forehead.

"Thank you. I love you too."

A few minutes later Maura had made her choice on several models and they were ready to go.

"I see you found what you were looking for ." The cashier said smiling.

"Yes we did." Maura replied smiling back at her.

"Will you be paying by credit card, cheque or cash?"

"Credit card." Maura and Jane replied at the same time.

"I got this baby." Jane said taking her wallet off her pocket.

"You don't need to…"

"I want to, really, that smile of your face is priceless for me." Jane said handing her card to the cashier.

"Here is your receipt and congratulations." She replied pointing out Maura's engagement ring.

"Thank you." Both women replied walking towards the door.

The rest of the afternoon went nicely, the two women stopped to eat at Maura's favorite chinese restaurant. They also took a nap in central park, enjoying the sun, everything was perfect.

"I would like to go swimming tomorrow." Maura said her head on Jane's lap as the two women were lying on the grass in the middle of central park.

"Alright, I guess it will be too late when we come back and nights are really cold here, but tomorrow sound great, I'm so proud of you, you have no idea." Jane said combing her finger through her hair.

"So I am I think I'm making progress. I feel more comfortable with my body. I know staying inside the house is hard for you, now I think I might feel more comfortable going out."

"I have to admit that I feel a be oppressed staying inside when we back home, but now I have the feeling that everything is going to be ok."

The two women went home that night, quite tired of walking all day long.

As Maura was trying to sleep she couldn't but thinking that surgery might not be the best choice for her. Those bras and prosthetics she bought would give her the confidence she needed to face the outside world and to dress almost normally. The thing was she started to feel she might not need surgery, if the bras were enough for her when she was in the outside world and if Jane accepted her body in the privacy of their home and if she accepted it herself as well, why have the surgery?

**So guys what do you think?Is Maura having the surgery or not?Do you think Jane will be supportive if Maura decides not to have the surgery?**

**Please review, your opinion on this story matters a lot to me :)**

**PS: As usual I don't pretend I know how it feels...**


	7. Maura's choice

**Chapter 7 :**

**Maura's choice :**

The next day Jane woke up to an empty bed. After stretching up a bit she heard the water running in the bathroom and realized Maura was taking a shower. Feeling bold and confident she decided to join her.

So Jane jumped out of bed took her clothes off and moved towards the bathroom. She took a deep breath, opened the door , entered the bathroom closed the door and opened the shower before joining Maura inside.

"Jane." Maura mumbled instinctively crossing her arms on her chest.

"Good morning beautiful, I thought you might want some company." Jane whispered her hands on Maura's hips pulling her closer to her.

"I …"

"Shhh, it's ok don't hide from me." Jane asked looking down at Maura's arms still crossed on her chest.

"Alright, sorry, it's almost a reflex." Maura replied .

"It's ok, don't worry about it."Jane said as she started to kiss her neck while wandering her fingers on her back.

"Jane…" Maura moaned unable to fight it.

"I want this to be special, let's go back to bed." Jane whispered turning off the water.

"Sure." Maura nodded.

The two women came of the shower, put robes on and walked towards the bed before lying down next to each other.

"You're beautiful, I love you, if you're not ready, I can wait." Jane promised seeing that her fiancee was uncomfortable.

"I'm ready, it's just…there is something I need to talk to you about before we can make love." Maura said worried that Jane would feel cheated if she told her about not having the surgery after they had sex.

"Tell me, you can tell me everything babe."

"Well…What happened yesterday was important for us, I felt like myself again for the first time in weeks. I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw the woman I used to be you know…"

"I know and when I looked at you when you were trying those bras, I saw that smile that made me fall in love with you but that I hadn't seen in months.."

"Yes, I feel more comfortable knowing that I can go out wearing almost the same clothes as I used to and that people won't notice. But what makes me feel confident is knowing that when I'm home with you I don't need those accessories, I can be myself. I know you support me no matter how I look."

"Yes, I do…" Jane nodded worried about where this was going.

"So I was thinking that if those bras make me feel comfortable enough to go outside and live my life like I used to and if when I come home I can take them off and still see so much love in your eyes, why bother with the surgery? I mean if i accept my chest the way it is now and if you do as well, why have surgery?"

" I thought that's what you wanted.." Jane mumbled.

"It was because I thought I would never feel like a real woman unless I have two perfect breasts. You helped me see things differently , you showed me you loved me and desired me the way I was and I found this solution for public appearance to I don't really feel like I need surgery long as we both accept and don't feel disgusted by the way my chest looks, it's ok right?"

"I…don' t know what to say, I'm proud of you, you came a long way really."

"Thank you, do I have your support on this?Or was your support only temporary until I get the surgery?I mean did you found the strength to support me and touch me because you thought it was only temporary?" Maura demanded rising her voice.

"Of course not, I supported you and I found the strength to do so because I 'm deeply, deeply in love with you. You're right on something though, I always thought you would have the surgery at some point. What do you expect me to say?"

"I expect you to support me if I decide not to have surgery."

"Well it seems that you already made your decision, by yourself, what do you need me for exactly?" Jane let out completely lost.

Of course it was Maura's decision but she naively thought she had her say in this, but apparently she was wrong.

"Well it's my body Jane, and it belongs to me, not to you and the decision is mine, I can't just have surgery so you feel more comfortable when we have sex." Maura hollered getting out of bed.

"This is not about sex!"

"What is it about then?why can't you support me?I thought your support was unconditional, were you lying , were you faking being attracted to me?" Maura demanded .

"No, look, I'm sorry, I support and love you unconditionally . Come back to bed, we can make love and then go swimming." Jane begged trying to cal her fiancee down.

" I thought this wasn't about sex." Maura jeered .

"It's not I just want to show you how much I love and desire you, please Maura I'm sorry alright." Jane said trying to move closer to her.

"I want you to get the hell out of my house now, just go back to Boston." Maura shouted pointed the door.

"Calm down alright, I'm not going anywhere." Jane said trying to reach out to her.

"I trusted you and you lied, you said what happened didn't change anything that you would loved me what ever happened, but it was all a lie." Maura said frenetically walking around in circles like an animal in a cage.

"How can you say something like that?I never lied to you. Can you imagine for one second how I feel about what has been happening to us?Because it didn't only happened to you, it happened to me too . When you were in the OR I thought I was going to loose you. I was scared to death that you might die, do you understand that?I thought that the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have children with was going to die. After the surgery you changed, you were not the woman I fell in love with, but I stayed with you, I hold your hand and I supported you . You rejected me, you wouldn't talk to me or let me touch you for weeks, but I stayed by your side because nothing could ever make me love you less Maura. So yes I admit it, I would like you to have the surgery, but if you don't want to, I will accept and support your choice because I don't want to loose you." Jane almost professed holding Maura's arms tears in her eyes.

"Oh Jane, I know all that baby, I'm sorry I have selfish through all this. I never once consider how hard it must have been for you . I'm sorry, I love you, don't cry please ." Maura said whipping a tear of her cheek with her thumb.

"I don't want to loose you, I was so scared, you have no idea." Jane sobbed falling on the floor.

Suddenly Jane fell like the ground was opening under her feet. For weeks she denied her own pain to focus on Maura. The truth was that what happened to Maura affected her as well and she was admitting it for the first time.

For the first time in weeks she was allowing herself to be sad and fragile, her who always tried to be strong for both of them.

"It's ok baby, just let it go…" Maura whispered kneeling next to her and holding her as tight as she could.

"I just want to go home and marry you." Jane sobbed trying to catch her breath.

"Alright, first we're going back to town so I can have the surgery and then we can get married."

"No, I don't want you to have the surgery because of me. I love you surgery or not, and I want you to be my wife, It's the only thing that matters."

"Alright then, how about we drive back to Boston tomorrow and we can make the announcement ?"

"Alright. I can't wait to make an honest woman out of you Mrs Rizzoli…" Jane joked.

"Isles- Rizzoli, babe, no offense."

"Alright, as you wish." Jane murmured reste her head on Maura's chest listening to her heart beating fast, for her.

**So guys what do you think?I'm not saying Maura will never have the surgery, but right now she doesn't want or need it ...**


	8. Happy ending

**Sorry guys for the lack of update regarding this story, I hope you're still interesed in it!**

**Chapter 8 :**

As they planned Maura and Jane spent the rest of the morning swimming, and enjoying the sun on their private beach. Around 1 pm, it was time for them to get some lunch.

"You know I'm not really hungry for food right now." Jane whispered kissing the back of Maura's neck while gently caressing her bare belly.

Jane felt so much better after finally talking about her pain with Maura. Also she felt so happy to see Maura in her swimming suit, enjoying herself without being preoccupied by what people would say.

"I can imagine that, I interrupted you earlier…" Maura smirked feeling shivers down her spine.

"It's ok , we needed to talk, but right now, I don't really want to talk, so we can either take this to the bedroom or I can take right here right now on the kitchen's table." Jane said moving her hands towards Maura's inner thighs.

"How about if we wait until our wedding night?" Maura suggested scared of Jane's reaction.

They just started physically reconnecting and she was asking her to wait more…

"Would you really like that?" Jane asked rising her eyebrows.

"I think I want our first time with my new body to be special, but I would understand if you refused, we hadn't had sex in weeks …."

"No it's alright, I told you I would wait for you to be ready, it actually makes sense . "

"I feel like I'm being selfish again." Maura said looking down.

"You're not, I want this to be perfect and I want our wedding night to be perfect so why not combine the two?" Jane said holding her tight, her arms around her waist.

The truth was Jane was really in need of some action, but she couldn't refuse anything to Maura. Actually she was never able to refuse her anything, all Maura needed was to look at her pouting to make her do anything she wanted. Now that Jane had almost lost her she was even more unable of refusing her anything.

"Thank you, this mean a lot to me …"

"You're welcome." Jane smiled kissing her forehead.

"So, now that we're talking about our future there are a few things we need to discuss." Maura said putting her serious face on.

"Alright, but can we please do it over lunch, if I can eat you up, I still need to feed on something." Jane joked reaching for the fridge.

"I think we have some rest of take out from last night."

"Yes we do, go settle down outside alright. I will take care of it."

"Alright thank you."

A few minutes later came out with their dinner worried about all the ideas Maura probably already had regarding their wedding. She knew that Maura would probably want a princess wedding, that would take months to plan and would cost a small fortune, but again, all she wanted was to make her happy.

"Thank you gentleman." Maura said as Jane brought her lunch on the table.

"You're welcome, so tell me, how painful is planning this wedding going to be for me?"

"Well before we talk about the wedding I would like to ask you something."

"Alright."

"Do you want to us to have children?"

"Yes, of course, I would like at least two, you know as much Frankie Jr annoys me, it's great to have a sibling ."

"I know I always wanted to have a big sister to give me advice. I don't know how to ask you this…" Maura says bitten her lower lip.

"You're wondering if I would prefer to adopt or to have one of us carrying it right?"

"Yes, I always imagined that you wouldn't carry it because your line of work is dangerous…"

"Yes, I wouldn't want to take any risk, and besides seeing you pregnant might just be the most incredible thing I would ever experience."

"About that, you know that cancer is genetic, I'm sure if I check my biological mother's family, if only I knew her, I would find a numbers of cancers, with my aunts, cousins…"

"And you're scared to pass the gene to our child." Jane continued reaching out for Maura's hand.

"I am, I'm sorry Jane, I mean I know how much you would like see me pregnant but I don't know if we can afford to tempt faith like this."

"You're right I would love to see you pregnant, to see your belly getting bigger and and to feel our child growing inside of you. It must be a very fulfilling experience and I'm sorry that having cancer is going to keep you from experiencing it."

"Well, I never said I couldn't get pregnant. I really want to experience it, you're right feeling our baby growing inside of me, carrying her or him for 9 months, having you treat me like a princess until I give birth would be the most incredible experience of our lives. "

"Are you suggesting that we take the risk to have a girl and to pass the gene to her?"

"No, I wouldn't want to take that risk, but we could use another's woman's egg…"

"Egg donation?"

"Yes, that way I could carry the child but because the child wouldn't be linked to me biologically ,which of course doesn't matter to me , I wouldn't pass any bad genes to him or her ."

"It doesn't matter for me either, as long as the child is healthy we can either adopt or use someone else's egg like sterile couples do I guess."

"Well we could use one of your eggs, so the child would be yours..."

"That would be great sweetie, but remember, you're still recovering, we have all the time in the world to think about having children. I want you to be completely healthy before you get pregnant alright?"

"Alright..."

Jane and Maura enjoyed their lunch talking about the wedding. Actually Maura was doing all the talking, Jane was thinking about having kids . Before Maura got sick they never really discussed getting married or having children, but almost loosing her made her realize how important she was for her and that she couldn't waste anymore time. Jane smiled at the thought of Maura carrying her child. At first she found that idea a bit strange, she actually didn't care about being genetically related to that child, but she was grateful Maura asked her.

2 months later, Maura and Jane got married on that beach right in front of their Hampton's house.

Unlike Jane was expected Maura actually planned a small and intimate wedding, no fuss, just their parents and close friends.

After everything they went through together getting married felt like that most natural thing in the world. Obviously they didn't need a piece of papers or rings ro know they were going to spend the rest of their lives together or that they were soul mates. After the intimate ceremony the couple flew to hawaii for their honeymoon where they spent 15 days enjoying the sun and the beach, making love and drinking cocktails.

As Maura had required they waited until their wedding night to make love and it was worth it. Jane did everything she could to make Maura comfortable, which wasn't easy. Even if Maura knew Jane loved her unconditionally it was still hard for her to be naked in front of her wife. So Jane always made sure to turn off the lights and not to touch Maura's chest too much which made things slightly better for her.

About a month after returning from their honeymoon Maura decided to go back to work, and of course Jane was delighted to have her around again, not that she didn't like the new ME, but it was definitely not the same.

About a year after getting married Jane and Maura decided to try to have a baby. As Maura had suggested it they decided to use Jane's eggs, and about 6 months later after 2 IVF procedures Maura got pregnant and 9 months later she gave birth to a baby girl, Lilla Jane Rizzoli.

Looking at their daughter everyday Maura and Jane felt like the luckiest couple in the world. Thinking that Maura almost died made them realize how short life was and that they had to live it fully.

Maura never got the reconstructive surgery, she considered it several times, but decided not to go trough with it.

Maura Isles- Rizzoli had always been very careful with her appearance and and would have never imagined living with one breast. But being with Jane, hearing her telling her how beautiful she was day after day, Maura started to pay less attention to her physical appearance. Obviously she was still shopping in the most expensive stores in the country, but her appearance wasn't as much important as it used to be.

At first being naked in Jane's arms was difficult for her, it was actually quite painful, but after hearing Jane telling her how sexy and attractive she was every time they made love, Maura, small by small started to feel more confident and comfortable with her missing breast. After a while non of them even paid attention to it, or to the scar, it just became part of Maura.

Maura never felt the need to have the surgery because for the first time in her life she didn't care about what other people said. The only thing that mattered was that Jane found her beautiful. It gave her the confidence she needed to accept herself and once she did there was no need for her to change. As Jane always said : Why mess with perfection?

**So guys, I hope you liked that. I'm sorry if the end seemed a bit rushed, but I really wanted to finish it soon. I want to focus on other stories but not finishing this one was bugging me!**

**Again you guys rock!**


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